FemaleSatan's blog

I am a stay at home mom (not true).

Who has five kids (is true). 

Who dick rides men on the internet (not true but I like dick). 

Who certain members at Circle talk shit about behind her back (prolly true)

Nobody respects (not true).

Who quit showing her tits at SIN because nobody wanted to see them (not true, Zach and others begged me on multiple occasions).

Attention whore (VERY true).

Drama Queen (True).

Cunt (also true).

Someone who uses petty personal attacks all the time (Yep). 

Liar (absolutely). 

Open Book (not true, I guarantee you know less than you think you do about me). 

Is stupid (Not true. If I was I wouldn't still be here). 

The point is this, I know what people say about me. I always have. If you think rehashing the same old shit about me is going to make me run away and cry in the corner, you are wrong. 

 So you don't like me as a person. Good, I didn't want you to. You hate me. I got under your skin for some reason. I reflected some concept you have trouble with handling. I stomped on your moral sensibilities. Whatever, you have decided to dismiss me based on who I am. 

 None of this common string of attacks I receive touches on WHY my ideas are bad. I wanted you to tell me what is wrong with my ideas, put them to scrutiny. You can't or you would have by now. The few that have put my ideas to the test, have earned my respect. The few who have made me think, have earned my respect. 

I can guarantee if you are using ANY of the above to take a low blow at me, you aren't on my respect list.

Friend is a rather vacuous term in today's society isn't it? It doesn't denote someone that is part of your tribe, it denotes someone that you know passingly to most. It's become a bullshit term. A term that is thrown around, used by people to get, get, get, not necessarily give back. 

A term that is used to exert control, to force a conformity on you, that quite simply, I can't abide at times. It makes me angry to see this happen and it happens everywhere. 

Now, I don't view friendship in terms of when I am doing well. The frank truth is when you are riding high, everyone likes you. When you have, people love the shit outta you. 

When I contemplate who my friends are, I think about the other times. The times the shit hit the fan. Who had my back? Who was there for me when I was at my lowest? 

That's a short list, a very short list. People that were there not because I had something that they wanted but because I was one of theirs. A resonance that is borne of something deeper than just a friendship. A moment of commonality and companionship that runs deeper than any of the hubris that it defined as friendship by most. 

It's something simple and something indescribably deep in places. A knowing, that this person would actually be there for me, they have already been there for me and in return I will be there for me when they fall down and have their bad moment. 

Not to gain but because by knowing them I have gained something precious and irreplaceable. I gained a tribe. So I have no choice but to honor that bond, not out of a loss of freewill or a need to conform but because finding that with someone else, anybody else in a World where most people lack the ability to do that on such a fundamental level, is to precious to violate the terms of that silent agreement you made at that moment.

I was walking down the street one day and heard two guys called me some shitty ass names. I froze, my scared little bunny came out. 

But they pulled into a subway real close by, maybe a hundred feet. I stood there and it hit me. Who are you really? Are you the kind of person that takes that? Are you going to take this? What are you going to do? Just walk off or stand up for yourself? How many times does someone say something like that and then pull into a place that close to you? 

This was followed by going to worst case scenario in my mind. Will they beat me up? Maybe they'll shoot me if I confront them. What's the worst that could happen (answer everybody dies, every time)? 

Go for it. Face it and see what happens, actually stand up for yourself. 

So I walked up and wrote down their license plate number. Walked in the Subway. 

I screamed, "Hey what you said to me isn't fucking cool! You need to apologize to me! I am a person!" 

Everyone jumped including the sandwich artist. The turned around. Now at this point they were pretty fucking scary in my mind. What they really were was something else entirely. They were both teenagers, one of them was in a Cub Scout uniform, LOL.  

They both started hurriedly apologizing. I told them I wasn't going to call the cops and left. 

Now, I know this is a little silly but it wasn't to me. It was a defining moment in my life, a moment that I practically applied this shit I talk about. I stood up and I said something. I proved to me I was the kind of person that says something when I get fucked with like that.

Who, what, when, where, why and how. When I was in school I had a teacher that said to process anything you need to be able to actually answer all of these questions. She always laid out tests this way. I do this whenever I am fooling around with a new idea. 

When I look at the amount of writing about Satanism it's the what not the why. Now this sounds strange but think about it. 

That's what we do, we discuss the what. Over and over again. 

Some people misappropriate the What and think it's the why over and over again. It's where the softer version of Satanism comes from. Someone taking the what and making it the why. 
They have misunderstood that all a writer can do is tell you what this is. 

The why can be explained but it's incredibly difficult to understand without experience. 

A great example is the doing meme. People will say they 'do' Satanism but the why can't be explained. They do it because they do goddammit. This makes that whole concept watered down and meaningless. Especially if the what isn't accurately understood either. 

Who 'does' Satanism?  What is 'doing' Satanism? When do you 'do' Satanism? Where do you 'do' Satanism? Why do you 'do' Satanism? How do you 'do' Satanism? 

Answer the questions and get back to me. 

Satanism. One word, infinite interpretations.

Some view it as meaning I can do whatever I want to, a kind of Super Special Individualism. Me? Not so much.

I view it more as a way to say, 'Hey, I seek out adversity, I seek out conflict, I actively engage in things that I want to avoid, that I personally find ugly, gross, awful and distasteful, just for any knowledge I can gain from that. A path to nowhere. One with no end goal but personal insight.

So is it fun? Or glamorous? Hell no. It's all about rolling in the dirt of life. It's all about standing up after you get knocked by life so hard you can't think straight.

I was a badass in my head until someone got the better of me. Until I actually had some motherfucking man get me down on the ground, squeezing my arm as hard as he could while leaning into my face saying, 'don't move or I will break your arm.' Starting to choke me and saying, 'I will kill you.'

I am victorious because I am typing this. I survived, I still breathe air. However, I did die a little that day. I suffered a 'little death.' A perception of myself as something I am not was killed. A perception of the World being a certain way was annihilated.

That's the point behind the Praxis, to suffer little deaths. To learn more about yourself. To learn more about the World and its savage, brutal nature. To find strength in yourself, to cut out weakness. To not be,complacent or comfortable.

I do know what the philosophers say about this and that. I know what the Satanic heavy hitters write. Do their words matter? No. What matters are my own conclusions about things. What matters are what I find to be true based on what I experience in my own life.

While the path is never ending and full of endless strife, it reflects a truth about the World most hide from. I have always found the most significant association Satan has is Lord of the Earth.

This is why:

Is Heaven and God not another way to say that which is borne of the mind? That which Faith, hope and trust is put in? The manufacturings of one's mind? That which is not of Reality?

Meanwhile the Earth is there to view, to experience, to understand. It's Reality. Dark, savage, brutal, impossible to fully experience, but still there. Timeless and in spite of its savagery beautiful.

These inner demons kick at you, punch you, fight you, berate you, insult you, they tear you down from the inside out. That voice that says you aren't good enough, those things in your life saying you haven't done enough, are designed to stop you, to make you quit. To make you scream in frustration at the fact that no matter how hard you try you don't control anything but yourself.

Worthless, vapid, stupid, just a woman, a tool to be used to advance your own agenda. That's all I am to everyone else most of the time. And I know it. I know it's why this person and that person has done the things they have done to me, why they have said the things they have to me, or about me when they thought I wouldn't hear, that it wouldn't get back to me.

How do I know this? Because I treat you the same exact way. I just cover it up and justify it by saying I am not as bad as they are. That I am less manipulative, that I don't view people as a stereotype. It's bullshit, the reason I hate you is the reason I hate myself. Because I am human and the dark side of humanity, the demon within all of us makes me a disgusting, cruel creature, capable of atrocities beyond the scope that the human mind can process.

Lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, covering it up in justifications that make myself a good person, the kind of person someone else would actually want to be around. But, I'm not and neither are you.

Do you fear that side of yourself? You fucking should. Do you fear that side of me or others you encounter? You should.

Get fucking paranoid, look around you and realize the people you care about the most are probably using you for their own gain. Get fucking proud and refuse to be used by others any longer. Get fucking real, quit crying in the corner and say to yourself, I am going to use them just as well as they use me. Quit giving a damn about what others think. Carve your own motherfucking path and to Hell with what your parents say, people you respect say, your friends say, your partner says, your conscience screams. They are all trying to stop you from getting real. They are all trying to stop you from living your own truth. YOU are stopping you at this very moment from facing what true freedom is and can be.

Demons don't dream, they don't sit around and talk about what they are going to do. Demons do.
All social interaction is a give and a take. A relationship is almost always based on things that once emotion is taken away are just transactions.

This very quickly gets into manipulation of others. The attempt by you to gain from someone else without giving much. You can see this social manipulation everywhere you go. When you deal with Satanists its discussed with a viewpoint that lacks the moral repugnance you will see from other groups. People boast and brag about the manipulative skills or how they have done this or that to someone else. Like it's somehow different than what is done subconsciously by all humans on a daily basis.

Let's put that shoe on the other foot for a minute. It's always perfectly fine when you are on top and the one manipulating the shit outta someone. It sucks when it's done to you. It will just piss you off that it happened to you.

And everyone has had it happen to them. Everyone gets screwed over by someone else sometime. Your boss asks you to do a little extra work in order to get promoted but the promotion never comes. You fuck somebody and they don't call you back. You realize you are buying a whole lot of dinner and drinks for your friend but they don't reciprocate. Whatever, you get fucked over like you bent over and begged for it.

One night I went to a bar and started talking to this really cute guy. The first thing I said to him was, "Hi, do you have a condom?" Yes, I am this kind of slut when I am in excruciating mental pain, it's a side effect. I refused to let him buy me any drinks. I went to his car fucked him and said to him, "Thanks." and got out of his car. He kept saying where are you going?, what are you doing?, etc. I felt sorry for him and gave him my phone number.

This motherfucker blew my phone up for about a week. I know on the surface it looks like something any dude would want. However, because I was the one manipulating him into a one night stand he was hurt and pissed over the whole thing. One of his messages he left was something to the effect of he has one night stands all the time but NO woman just fucks him and doesn't call him back.

It happens to me all the time as well. Someone manipulates me and succeeds I feel like a moron. I am hurt, I am pissed off, I feel betrayed, used. Now considering that I can intellectually figure out that this is what most social interaction is based on I shouldn't feel that way. Considering I discuss this concept quite frequently with a moral detachment why do I suddenly feel moral repugnance when it happens to me?

'Do unto others as they do unto you' is all fine and good until someone does to me what I do to others. Like any monkey behavior I see in myself it's hypocritical as fuck. It's yet another example of how I intellectualize something without accounting for the emotional component.

I was standing in line at a coffee place and realized I was totally flirting with some guy I had no intention of having anything to do with. He was cute and I hate paying for my own coffee. I caught myself flipping my hair mid -standing in line- conversation with him. I actually thought, 'the fuck are you doing Jeanette' when he said, 'What kind of coffee do you want?'

I also watch other people for manipulative behavior and examine past interactions for any hint of manipulation in them. I think things like, 'did he actually think I was intelligent or was it an excuse to get into my pants.' 'is she using me?' 'When that happened five years ago was he intending to fuck me over?'

Just a loop that is paranoid as fuck but utterly realistic. People, whether they realize it or not, are snakes in the grass. Since I know that, I don't want to get bitten.
That's all you'll let me be, oh I'm just a girl living in captivity.... (Gwen Stefani)

Sorry, all I was rocking out with my breasts out. :)

I don't make many apologies for what I am, Unless I am feeling hypocritical as fuck. A certain problem that has remained in my pursuit of the LHP is that I am a woman. I know this sounds stupid, but it's true.

When I walk a mean street I walk it in fear. In some of my doings of Satanism I have realized that a man symbolizes protection in certain situations. Having one by your side means you are less likely to get fucked with. It doesn't matter how bad ass you are in you head, in the real, where people fucking bleed for talking shit, as a woman you are a walking victim. You're smaller, you're weaker, you can be hurt easier. It doesn't matter if you have training, you are a bunny, not a lion.

I know that most women who claim to be Satanists are the equivalent of the bitch on the back of the bike. They're not a biker, they're the biker's bitch. Arm candy, a hole to have things inserted in, a groupie, not a force to be reckoned with in their own right.

I am different, I am a biker. Hell, I have a bitch or two on the back of my bike when I roll down the street. It's just the way it is. I don't want to be the monster's girlfriend, I want to be a monster in my own right.

So I actually walk my motherfucking walk. Even when it puts me in dangerous situations, even when it drags me kicking and screaming to stare at the abyss.

Danger occurs for me more than it would for a man. I have crackheads walk up to me and grab me by my arm and ask me if I want to party. I have had four guys surround me and say, 'You think you can just walk off looking the way that you do and saying the shit that you just said.' I got one down, but they made me bleed.

And my little bunny instinct kicks in and says 'RUN!!!!' I refuse to listen to it. I walk around like I am not going to die, like I am not going to suffer the ultimate consequence for living the lifestyle that I do. The bushido code can be summed up as live like you're dying. The whole idea is to die a good death with your honor not laying at your feet. That book is more my creed, my modus operandi than anything LaVey wrote. It's actually deep if you don't skim it people.

Recently some of the restrictions I have had on myself have been lifted. I have lost the only thing that stopped me from actually becoming a Satan in the real, where it matters. I'm the bad guy of that tale and it's one that will never leave my lips. I deserve the Hell I am currently walking in.

So for better or worse, I am not half assing it anymore. I find that as a woman, I am quite simply the prey of men. Yep, that's right humans are at the top of the motherfucking food chain but men sit above women. This is about physicality, not mental prowess or any hidden sacred feminine bullshit. In some situations the only thing that matters is who is stronger physically, who can hit harder and who has more stamina.

Women want to pretend this is not reality. They want to hide the fact that they are prey, that they have a little bunny instict telling them not to rock the boat, to hide and to run. The fact of the matter is this wouldn't be a Patriarchal society if men didn't dominate women in some way. If you take off the rose colored glasses and step out of the bubble of society it's there and it's manifest every day. Go sleep on the streets as a woman and see what the outcome is. Go walk through a shitty neighborhood sometime. Go out of the suburbs, off your beaten path and see what lays in the darkness seeking to take you down as a woman.

Now I was raised to play out the worst case scenario in my head before I do anything. This is actually bad advice by the way because my mind is always like 'and then everyone died.' It was my mothers way of saying see things aren't that bad. What it has done most often for me is bring out the little bunny instinct and make me go, 'nope fuck that.' So I spent a good number of years in a constant state of fear, waiting for someone to hurt me.

Here's the thing though, humans avoid pain. I have avoided situations in the past just to not hurt a little. The thing is, hurt is cleansing in a way. You can take more physically than you ever thought you could. When blood runs down your face because you actually stood the fuck up, you have a Jesus Christ I survived that moment. When you have another one of those and another one, it hits you like a ton of bricks. They may hurt me but I would truly prefer to die on my feet than live on my knees. I truly want to die with my honor intact, to know that I kicked that bunny instinct once and for all.

Women will avoid that conflict at all costs. As prey we are designed to be peace makers, not fighters. Thing is it wasn't always that way. Women were Warriors for a long ass time. Satanism is just that a motherfucking Warrior Ethos. It's not black and listening to death metal. It's not being the arm candy to some big guy and giggling like a school girl when he says something. I would much prefer to be an anomaly than the alternative, it's dishonorable as fuck to just turn the other cheek.

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